Parentification is when a child takes on adult responsibilities for the parent; this can be physical, such as housework or shopping, or deeply emotional. The child often loses out on ‘normal’ childhood events like sleepovers and parties to fulfil their responsibilities to the parent.

Parentification can also be termed boundary dissolution – when the usual generational roles within the family break down.

But what happens when the ‘little adult’ grows up?

Trish’s Story – The Fixer.

My client, Trish, grew up in a family where everything revolved around her mum. Her mother had mental health issues that impacted how she was able to care for Trish.

Trish found herself cooking dinner for her younger sibling and mum from the age of 12. She shopped, cleaned and helped her younger brother with homework. On looking back, Trish realised it was the emotional burden that took its toll on her. She recalled that her Mum would sit day after day, just staring out of the window.

“My mum would tell me about traumatic events that had happened to her when she was a child. I was still a young girl myself, yet I tried to console her and would listen as best I could. Some of the things she told me gave me nightmares. I was in a state of constant fear outside of the house as she warned me against how cruel people could be.”

This began to take its toll in adulthood when Trish found herself struggling with a lack of boundaries. Maybe this resonates with you?

At work, Trish found herself unable to say no and took on more and more responsibility.

In her romantic relationship, Trish became the caregiver, doing more than her fair share of the mental and emotional load.

Her friends viewed her as the strong, capable one who had it all together and who they would go to for help. Inside, she was crumbling under the burden.

Disempowered but responsible.

When a child has taken on the role of caregiver, they are left feeling helpless, disempowered, and guilty for being unable to ‘fix’ their parent. This feeling stays with them long into adulthood.

They may even believe the problem is somehow their fault. Growing up, they feel responsible for ‘fixing’ any ruptures in their relationships and feel guilty if anything goes wrong. This can lead them to feel anxious and depressed, and impact their work.

The Hidden Inner Bully.

A parentified child will often be self-critical, and this can appear in various ways. Trish became a perfectionist about her work and her appearance.

Her inner bully was loud, harsh, and critical of her body. She told herself that she was ‘fat and plain looking,” and would judge herself for enjoying a piece of cake, which resulted in the compensatory behaviour of over-exercising (many of us can relate to this, I’m sure.)

She felt she had to be perfect in every way.

We began to work on self-compassion and allowing herself to be ‘good enough.’ This took some time, and I gently reminded her that this is a life’s work, starting with work around boundary setting and awareness of the inner bully.

Trish slowly realised that she had never been responsible for her mum and that she would never be able to ‘fix’ her mum’s mental health issues. Letting go of this idea is often the hardest piece in this puzzle, especially if this belief is embedded in our core being.

Letting go is not an overnight thing, rather, it is a willingness to accept how things have been. It is recognising how those past hurts have influenced our behaviours, thoughts and beliefs. We then begin to explore shifting those beliefs and behaviours. With time and self-compassion, we can begin to learn to control and influence what we can, and to let go of what we can’t.

If this post resonates, and you would like to explore ways in which I can help you then please reach out. Samanthaf747@gmail.com

Main Feature Image: Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash